Attaching to Adopted Infants and Toddlers

All children need to form an attachment to their parents, but for adopted kids this process is even more crucial and may not occur naturally. Bonds can exist between adopted kids and their birthparents purely because of a biological connection. Adoptive parents may not have that immediate bond, but can help it grow with activities that foster attachment.

For children aged newborn to three years old, attachment begins to occur when the kids are reassured that they are loved and safe. By having simple, positive everyday interactions with their adoptive parents, young children learn to feel comfortable in their new family and begin to form attachments.

Respond to Basic Needs

Infants and toddlers are very good at letting grown-ups know when they need something, but it is the response of the parents that is most important. Figuring out what the need is will come with time and experience, but responding immediately will help the child seek comfort from the parents. It is also important that the adoptive parents do all the primary care for an infant or toddler for many months to encourage attachment.

Maintaining a predictable routine is also reassuring to young children because they can anticipate that their needs will be met. Routines also help kids feel comfortable in the environment and create trust with their adoptive parents.

Encourage Eye Contact

Especially important for children who have had minimal stimulation the first few months of their lives, eye contact is crucial to the attachment process. Adoptive parents should smile at the baby as often as possible as the baby will begin to respond with positive body language.

Singing and playing with the baby is a good way to encourage eye contact with infants and toddlers. Try some of these favourites:

• The Wheels on the bus
• Pat-a-Cake
• Peek-a-Boo
• Open, Shut Them
• The Itsy, Bitsy Spider

Parents should also talk to small children while doing every day activities such as giving baths, feeding and going for drives. Talk about what the child is seeing and experiencing in the world around her. It is also never too early to talk to adopted kids about how they joined the family, even in infancy.

Show Physical Affection

Some children are very affectionate and easy to hug, whereas others need more time to feel comfortable enough to return positive affection. Here are some alternatives to try to encourage comfortable physical interaction.

• Give a massage
• Bathe together to encourage skin to skin contact
• Stroke hands, feet and cheeks
• Tickle with a feather or soft blanket
• Hold hands while feeding
• Whisper in the child’s ear
• Feed each other

Do Activities Together

Adoptive parents are generally very keen to take babies and toddlers out to classes and other activities. For children who prefer the comfort of home, try some of these low-key bonding activities:

• Read together
• Dance together
• Show photos of birth family, foster family and adoptive family
• Trace hands for a craft or trace the child’s outline in chalk on the sidewalk
• Play in the water at bathtime
• Try sensory stimulation such as finger painting or play dough

Each child attaches to her adoptive family in her own way and sometimes the help of an adoption expert is needed. For related articles on bonding with adopted children read Attaching to Adopted School-Age Kids and Attaching to Adopted Preteens and Teens.

Bathing with Young Kids

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