Celebrating Adoptees' Birthdays
Anniversary Marks Grief, Loss for Some Adopted Children and Adults
Jan 30, 2009
A day set aside for family and friends to recognize the birth of an individual should bring joy. But in the book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew [Delta, 1999], adoptee Sherrie Eldridge writes that while loved ones celebrate the day, many adoptees “feel churned up inside.”
Why Some Adoptees Hate Birthdays
Birthdays represent a connection to the past. Whether adopted at birth or later in childhood, that connection reminds the adoptee of the loss of his birth family. The adoptee knows he’s supposed to be happy, but instead he’s weighed down wondering if his birthmother is thinking of him that day. This anxiety can begin days or weeks before the event.
At the same time, Eldridge writes, the adoptee is conflicted with “society’s romanticized views of adoption,” which remind the adoptee to be grateful to have a family and to not disappoint them. One of two outcomes occurs, according to Eldridge. Some adoptees slip into the role of “good adoptee” and conform to others expectations, pushing their true feelings aside. Others act out with confused feelings and sabotage everyone’s efforts to show the adoptee love.
People who are adopted probably don’t understand why they react this way, contends Nancy Verrier in her book The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child [Nancy Verrier, 1993]. “There seems to be an anniversary reaction (also felt by the birth mother), which sends many adoptees into despair around their birthdays … is it any wonder many adoptees sabotage their birthday parties?” Verrier asks. “Why would one want to celebrate the day they were separated from their birth mothers?”
Recognizing Birthday Distress in Adoptees
Although most adoptees don’t talk about the pain birthdays can cause, Eldridge recommends parents watch for the following grief signals:
- Feeling sad and angry at once
- Feeling incapable of enjoying themselves
- Working hard to please parents
- Wanting to run away and hide
- Criticizing those who give gifts or the gifts themselves
- Feeling expressions of love are not enough
- Daydreaming
- Self-condemnation and frustration with themselves for feeling angry
- An unusual level of anxiety
- Minimizing the importance of one’s birthday
- Sabotaging birthday parties
- Depression or withdrawal
What Parents Can Do for Adopted Children
If a child exhibits these symptoms, it’s important to respond with validation and comfort; however, Eldridge cautions, parents shouldn’t look for problems where there are none. Many adoptees don’t experience anxiety on birthdays. Some adult adoptees say separate adoption day celebrations and established birthday rituals – such as special family meals – helped reinforce their sense of continuity and belonging.
How to Approach Birthdays
Birthdays – and the days leading up to them – are a time to give adoptees extra attention. Devoting extra time before bed, for example, can be soothing, Eldridge writes. An extra story, a massage, a night-light, talking about good dreams and listening to favorite music might help.
Parents should ask questions of their child before the birthday arrives. Examples might include, “What would you like to do on your birthday?” or “How do you feel about your upcoming birthday?” Tell the child that some adoptees feel sad or angry on their birthday and that it’s OK to talk about it.
Long-term Effects
Birthday anxiety typically begins for adoptees early in life and often continues into adulthood. Recognizing the signs and showing loving support for the adoptee – no matter his age – are perhaps the best birthday gifts family members and friends can give, year after year.
