Gathering Birth Family Information for Adoptees
Suggested Questions Adoptive Parents Might Ask Birth Parents
Whether an adoption is open or closed, information about an adoptee’s genetic family and medical history is shared with the adoptive parents. Sometimes a wealth of information is supplied by birth parents during the adoptive process, while very little information – mostly non-identifying – is shared in other adoptions. Nevertheless, there are common questions most adoptees will want answers to at some point.
Lifting the Veil of Secrecy for the Benefit of the Adoptee
Open adoption advocates Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin argue the benefits of letter exchanges and information sharing among the members of the adoption triad in their book Dear Birthmother [Corona Publishing, 1982]. “Stereotypes of the child’s birthparents are replaced with actual facts and personal data about the birthmother and father,” Silber and Speedlin contend. “The insight that develops will be invaluable to the adoptee as he begins to question his adoptive parents about his heritage and his birthparents.”
How to Begin Seeking Answers to an Adoptee’s Questions
Birth and adoptive parents can start by taking a proactive approach to ensure their child’s questions will be answered. That means not waiting until the adoptee is “old enough” and willing to verbalize her questions. In cases of continuing open adoptions, adoptees have an opportunity to ask follow-up questions as they grow older. But because of the unpredictable nature of life and the evolving dynamics of the adoption triad over time, it’s important to gather information about a child’s birth family early in the adoptive process if possible.
Questions to Ask Birth Parents
Here are some general questions adoptive parents can present to birth parents directly or through the assistance of an intermediary such as an adoption agency or attorney:
About the Adoptee:
- Who do I look like now? At birth?
- What traits and talents did I inherit from my birth family?
- What do you remember about the pregnancy and birth?
- Why did you make an adoption plan?
- What was/is your relationship with my other birth parent?
Birth Parents' Childhood:
- Where were you born and where did you grow up?
- How would you describe your childhood? Teen years?
- What did you want to be when you grew up?
- What were your favorite subjects in school?
- What sports, hobbies and extracurricular activities did you enjoy?
- Did you have any pets?
- Who was your best friend?
- What were your favorite foods?
- What foods did you dislike?
Family Life and History:
- What was/is your relationship with your parents and grandparents growing up/now?
- What are your family traditions or holiday rituals?
- What were your parents’ and grandparents’ occupations and talents?
- Do you have any siblings?
- Do you have any other children?
- What is my ethnic and racial background?
- What is my birth family’s medical history?
Spirituality:
- What is your religious or spiritual background/upbringing?
- What role, if any, does faith play in your life now?
Education and Career:
- Where did you attend elementary and secondary school?
- Did you attend college and what was your major?
- What jobs did you have as a teen?
- What careers have you experienced as an adult?
- What are your hobbies and interests now?
Invaluable Insight for the Adoptee
These queries represent common areas of interest among adoptees of all ages. They’re designed to illicit more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer in order to give the adoptee a broader picture of the birth parent’s history and perspective. Utilizing questions like these, birth and adoptive parents can help their child gain a better sense of self by providing answers when the time is right.
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