Grieving Infertility before Adoption
Potential Parents Should First Grieve Loss of Biological Child
Jun 7, 2009
People who can’t conceive and those unable to deliver a child full-term experience a tremendous loss. While some families choose to continue living a childfree life, others will pursue adoption. The adoptive process should begin with a learning period where potential parents talk openly with one another and search their hearts for their feelings about adoption.
Potential Parents Should Take Time to Grieve
Open adoption advocates Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin write about the vulnerability of adoptive parents in their groundbreaking book Dear Birthmother [Corona Publishing, 1982]. They contend three distinct phases exist and should be addressed by all potential adoptive parents. The phases, in order, are: infertility resolution, the adoption education process and exploring the realities of adoptive parenthood.
“Resolving the childbearing loss dramatically parallels the same stages of grief experienced when a family member dies (denial, anger, sadness, and finally acceptance),” Silber and Speedlin write. “Regrettably, assistance in this area is often overlooked or summarily dealt with in most adoption programs.”
Dealing with the Finality of Infertility
Numerous couples unfortunately begin the adoption process without first dealing with the finality of infertility, according to Silber and Speedlin. Some couples will subscribe to the myth that “once you adopt, you’ll relax and become pregnant.” Rather than face their infertility, these couples set themselves up for disappointment by pursuing adoption with the hope of attaining a pregnancy later.
Every couple can benefit from the assistance of a professional adoption counselor, Silber and Speedlin argue. The goal isn’t to forget their infertility but to accept their adopted child for the individual he’ll become. Counseling encourages potential parents to acknowledge the realities of adoptive parenting without thinking they’re second best to biological parents. Couples must openly discuss their infertility experience, their grief and the reasons they want to form a family by adoption.
Pursuing Healing Before Adoption
Couples trying to conceive might not come to the conclusion at the same time that adoption is the next step, according to Dr. Anne Owen, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Lawrence, Kan. “Both people have to be on the same page that conception is not the goal anymore,” Owen said June 4, 2009, during a telephone interview. “The couple needs clarity about what it means to each person to not have a genetic child.”
With the help of a counselor, Owen says, couples should name their disappointments and discuss them openly with their partner. Included in the discussion should be misconceptions they, family members and friends might have about adoption. Owen says it’s important couples do the work together and face the realities of not having a biological child. “If the couple’s on the same page and their eyes are wide open, they have a better chance of success,” Owen says.
Starting the Grieving Process
Healing after infertility can be a lonely process. While experts recommend the assistance of a professional counselor, there are other avenues couples can pursue for healing. Local support groups and Internet chat rooms can help couples meet others in the same situation. “It’s very useful to be able to connect with people in the same boat,” Owen says.
Getting Off the Infertility Rollercoaster
Those who’ve experienced infertility know the hurt and frustration that comes every month when faced with the reality of not conceiving. People who eventually decide to adopt or remain childless often report feelings of relief at simply making the decision to step off the infertility rollercoaster. While it might seem easier to move quickly to the next stage, grieving the loss of the dream to have a biological child should be part of the process.
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