Helping Adoptive Parents Grieve a Reversal
What Friends and Family Can Do When an Adoption Falls Through
Sep 17, 2009
For adoptive parents who have gone through an adoption reversal, the loss of the child is like having a death in the family. However, well-meaning friends and family of the grieving adoptive parents may not understand the loss and why a grief process must occur. Before friends and family are able to help the adoptive parents, they need to understand why adoption reversals happen, appropriate things to say and helpful ways to show their support.
Why Do Adoption Reversals Happen?
According to You Can Adopt by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley [Ballantine, 2009], about one-third of birthmothers considering private adoption for their unborn child change their minds between being matched with adoptive parents and placement day. A smaller number of birthmothers change their minds between the baby being placed in the adoptive home and the termination of parental rights.
Although most adoption reversals occur in private infant adoption situations, adoptions can also fall through in international and public domestic processes as well. Typically, adoption reversals occur when a child has been matched with a prospective adoptive family that has been chosen by the birthparents and then the birthparents change their minds. However, adoptions can fall through for a variety of reasons:
- The situation of the birthparents has changed to allow them to parent.
- Birth grandparents or extended family have decided to pursue the child’s adoption.
- The adoption agency changes processes or closes down.
- The child’s birth country changes the process of adoption or stops the program.
Regardless of the reasons the adoption has fallen through, the pain is very real to the adopting parents and they need to grieve the loss the child before moving forward with other adoption opportunities.
What to Say When an Adoption Has Fallen Through
Friends and family are often at a loss for what to say when someone has experienced a death or a profound loss. This is especially true for people close to a family that has experienced an adoption reversal.
Aside from a gentle hug and a genuine expression of sorrow, there is nothing that friends and family can do to alleviate the pain. Hurt feelings can arise toward well-meaning colleagues, friends and family who say the wrong thing during the time of grief. It is not helpful to say that there are plenty of other children waiting to be adopted or to belittle the birthparents. The adoptive parents will heal, but they need time to process their loss.
How to Help Grieving Adoptive Parents
Friends and family of the adoptive parents can help the grief process by acknowledging the loss as real. It does not matter that the child was not yet born or was in foster care, the loss to the adoptive parents is still like a death. To help create a safe place for them to process their grief, friends and family can:
- Offer to tell co-workers, extended family and acquaintances of the loss.
- Understand when the adoptive parents do not want to attend child-centred activities such as birthdays and baby showers.
- Support the activities the adoptive parents need to do such as contributing to blogs, attending groups and symbolically recognizing the loss.
The most helpful thing friends and family can do is to listen to the adoptive parents with open hearts and show compassion for their loss. By understanding the impact an adoption reversal can have and offering support, friends and family can help adoptive parents move through the grief process effectively.
References
Caughman, Susan and Isolde Motley. You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide. New York:Ballantine Books, 2009.
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