Helping an Adopted Child Grieve
Ideas for Addressing Adoption-Related Losses Experienced by Kids
Jan 27, 2009
Being adopted into a new family, a new home and a new life means that a child experiences many losses. These losses, all out of the child’s control, need to be addressed and mourned before a child is able to form positive attachments with his adoptive family. If left unresolved, the grief an adopted child experiences can affect many aspects of his life including future relationships.
The Four Tasks of Grieving in Adoption
According to William Worden, author of Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy [Springer Publishing Company, 1991], there are four tasks of grieving for adopted children: accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain of grief, adjusting to a new environment, and withdrawing energy from what is lost and focusing on other relationships.
Accepting the Loss of Life Before Adoption
For this task, adoptive parents can help make the reality of their child’s adoption concrete by showing him photos, letters, and any information relating to the child’s birthfamily. Other activities to help process the reality of the child’s losses are:
- drawing pictures of what birthmom might look like
- creating an orphanage out of blocks
- using modeling clay to make members of the child’s birthfamily
- reading books and watching movies together about adoption themes to begin conversations about what life might have been like if the child was not adopted
Feeling the Grief of Being Relinquished and Adopted
Experiencing the pain of grief is the second task and if not worked through, issues such as acting out, depression, eating disorders, and aggression may arise. As the adopted child’s parents help him feel the impact of his losses, they may also have some strong feelings arise. To help process some of the feelings let the child:
- write and draw in a journal
- speak to a grief counselor who specializes in adoption
- talk to other adopted children
- write letters to his birthfamily
- create a personal grief box
- hear about the losses of the adoptive parents and others
Adjusting to New Environments
The third task of adjusting to a new environment is often a life long challenge for adoptees. Entering a new situation and confronting the unknown can lead to fear of rejection and also a feeling of being overwhelmed. Adoptive parents can help their child through this task by role-playing new situations and talking about strategies for feeling more comfortable with dealing with the unexpected.
Moving Forward with Life and Connecting to the Past
The final task, to withdraw the energy that is focused on what is lost and move forward with life, allows adopted children to think about their birthfamily, but not to obsess about them. To help deal with the past and the present, parents can help their kids create a family tree with both birth and adoptive family members, and add more details to the child’s lifebook.
The biggest support that adoptive parents can offer their child as he grieves his losses, is to create a loving environment in which feelings and thoughts can be shared openly. By jointly working through the complex issues of adoption, adoptive families can form a strong attachment and move forward in their life together.
References
Eldridge, Sherrie. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. New York:Dell Publishing, 1999.
Robinson, Evelyn Burns. Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief. South Australia:Clova Publications, 2000.
Worden, William J. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. New York:Springer Publishing Company, 1991.
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