The biggest fear of families hoping to adopt is that the child will not stay with the adoptive family. These fears can become reality simply by one person changing her mind. An adoption reversal or revocation happens when the birth parent legally reclaims the child because she has had a change of heart about the child’s adoption plan. The timeframe in which this reclaiming can happen can be as long as 30 days.
The likelihood of an adoption reversal occurring is unpredictable, but is extremely painful for the family who has suffered an uncompleted adoption. It has been compared to experiencing a death in the family, only it is felt as a more profound loss because the child is living elsewhere and there is no concrete way to process the grief. Issues can be even more complex if there are children in the adoptive family who have lost a sibling as a result of a reversal. Perspectives Press, a publisher of fertility and adoption books, has some resources for families going through an adoption reversal.
Coping with Adoption Loss
There are some things families who have experienced an adoption reversal can do to get through the first few weeks following the loss:
- Allow time to grieve the loss of the child as if it was a death in the family. Take some time off work and gradually enter a regular routine.
- Ask others to help with sharing the news with co-workers, social contacts and extended family. Suggest how you would like the situation handled when returning to regular activities, such as - is it okay for others to talk about the loss with you.
- Comfort each other often and discuss the feelings of loss with everyone, including the children. Help other adopted children in the family feel secure by reassuring them they are with the family forever.
- Take care of yourself by eating well, going for walks and doing activities that are enjoyable.
- Talk to others who have experienced similar losses in a support group.
- Write in a journal giving all the details of what happened and how it feels to lose a child in adoption.
- Write letters to the lost child expressing feelings and thoughts about her. Do something with the letters such as symbolically burning them or burying them.
- Find comfort in faith activities such as praying, attending religious functions and reading inspirational writing.
- Clean out the child’s room as a form of closure. It will help to make a positive start when another child is being considered.
- Say goodbye in a concrete way by planting a tree, donating to part of the TransCanada Trail in your child’s name or making a toy donation at Christmas that would be age appropriate for that child.
- Avoid attending baby showers and christenings for a while, and do not feel that an explanation is necessary. Anyone who knows of the loss will understand.
- Become a speaker to discuss this loss at adoption seminars. This can help others as well as help you deal with your own feelings.
Adoption loss is life changing and may affect how a family feels about future adoption situations. It is important to recognize the need to deal with the loss of one child before proceeding with another adoption. At the very minimum, families who are surviving an adoption reversal should speak to their social worker.
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