The Effects of Adoption Disruption on the Family

How Adoptees and Adoptive Families Cope With a Failed Adoption

Oct 14, 2009

When an adoption does not work, it is normal for adoptive parents and adoptees to feel grief, blame themselves and need counseling to address their issues.

Even though adoption disruption is a very difficult thing to experience, it is not uncommon in the U.S. Ten to 25% of adoptions fail before they are finalized according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway.

However, despite each situation being unique there are commonalities in the feelings experienced by adoptees and adoptive families. Here are some of the effects of adoption disruption on the adoptee, adoptive parents and siblings.

How a Failed Adoption Affects an Adoptee

As most adoptees who have experienced an adoption disruption are older children, they can understand what is happening, but they may not fully comprehend why. For some adopted kids, failed adoptions are a pattern and may serve as a self-fulfilling prophesy that they are unworthy of love, stemming from earlier experiences, perhaps with their birth or foster family. Other feelings that are common for adoptees to experience following a failed adoption are:

It is normal for an adopted child to have a spectrum of feelings after the loss of an adoptive family, regardless of their role in the disruption. Adoptees need the support of a therapist who specializes in adoption issues to help address these feelings and develop coping strategies for placement in another adoptive home.

How Adoption Disruption Affects Adoptive Parents

Adoption disruptions can happen any time, but most often they occur about a year after placement. During this time most adoptive families have tried many coping strategies and techniques to make the adoption placement successful.

After spending much time, effort and possibly resources to make an adoption work, in almost all cases it is very upsetting for adoptive parents to disrupt an adoption. It may be assumed that the adoptive parents will feel relief at not having the stresses in their lives any longer, but there is also an overwhelming sense of failure, self-blame and grief.

In addition to dealing with their regrets, adoptive parents who have experienced a failed adoption have to deal with the judgment of others and do some soul-searching before choosing to adopt again. Adoption counselors can also help adoptive parents process their feelings around the disrupted adoption.

How a Disrupted Adoption Affects Siblings

Other children in the adoptive family, both by birth and adoption, have also experienced a loss when an adoption fails. This loss can bring forward feelings of grief and make adopted siblings question their permanency in the adoptive family.

All children in the family may also feel a pressure to behave "well" all the time, to avoid being sent away from the family like their sibling. It is important that all siblings in the family receive counseling to discuss their feelings and fears.

When an adoption fails, adopted kids and adoptive families all experience tremendous losses. To help deal with the grief and pain associated with an adoption disruption, counseling is needed before any further adoption plans are made.

Child Welfare Information Gateway Document. Adoption Disruption and Dissolution: Numbers and Trends. 2004.

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