Turning Down an Adoption Referral
What to Think About When Choosing Not to Adopt a Child
Oct 1, 2009
When beginning the adoption process, most hopeful adoptive parents believe they could bring any child into their lives. However, when confronted with information that raises red flags, potential adoptive parents have tough decisions to make.
Everyone would like to believe that unconditional love is all that an adopted child needs to thrive in life, but there is a lot more to adoptive parenting than meets the eye. By asking specific questions about the child’s history and being honest about their limits as parents, the adoptive family can make decisions in the best interest of both themselves and the child available for adoption.
Questions to Ask When Hoping to Adopt a ChildAlthough some adoptive parents choose to adopt for altruistic reasons, most go through the adoption process because they ultimately want to become parents. By asking specific questions pertaining to the child’s prenatal care and parenting thus far, adoptive parents can determine if the child is a fit for them.
- Where was the birthmother living while pregnant with the child?
- Is it known if the birthmother drank alcohol, did drugs or smoked during her pregnancy?
- Did the birthmother receive prenatal care while pregnant?
- What is the involvement of the birthfather?
- How long was the child cared for by her birthparents?
- What kind of contact does the birthfamily want with the child?
- Does the child have any health problems or conditions?
- Is the child meeting all her developmental milestones?
- What kinds of medical supervision has the child had?
- What is the temperament of the child?
The most important thing adoptive parents need to pay attention to is their gut instinct. If the child feels right for the family, there are resources such as Mother Risk to help understand the health and development issues that may arise.
Factors in Deciding to Not Adopt a Child
Future adoptive parents need to consider each adoption situation as it comes and make an informed decision on whether or not to adopt the child. It is helpful for adoptive parents to have in their minds which issues they are willing to accept in an adopted child and which issues they feel are more than they can handle. In addition to health, behaviour and developmental concerns, other factors adoptive parents need to consider include:
- Cost and access to special services required for the child
- Impact on other siblings in the family
- Emotional strain on the relationships within the family
- Willingness of extended family to accept the child
- Sources of support available to the adoptive family
- Nature of the relationship with the child’s birthparents
To help with the decision making, adoptive parents can spend a day pretending that they have chosen to adopt the child and another day that they have turned down the situation. By doing this exercise, adoptive parents can feel the impact of their decision and have a clearer perspective.
Deciding to Turn Down an Adoption ReferralIf the prospective adoptive parents turn down an adoption, it is normal for them to grieve and second guess their decision. They are not bad people for not wanting a child, but to avoid the judgment of others it is okay for the adoptive parents to not mention the adoption situation to others until they have successfully adopted another child.
Even though most adoptive parents hesitate saying no to an adoption referral, they need to make a decision based on fact and gut instinct. By asking key questions and evaluating the needs of the child, adoptive parents can make an informed decision on whether the child is destined to be theirs.
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